- Tax U-turn after excessive levies cripple formal economy, boost informal sector.
- Coup theatrics expose Zanu-PF factional rifts and leadership instability.
- Journalist’s jailing highlights press freedom crackdown, fuels dissent.
Welcome back, dear readers, to the Mad Money Muse, where Zimbabwe’s political economy and business shenanigans get the satirical spotlight they so richly deserve. This week, we’ve got a buffet of absurdity: tax revisions that scream “oops, my bad,” Blessed Geza’s grand return as the wannabe Che Guevara of Harare, Blessing Mhlanga’s jailhouse blues, Chris Mutsvangwa’s phone faux pas, a diplomatic spat between South Africa and the US, and a DRC-Rwanda tango that’s more likely to end in a brawl than a ballroom dip. Oh, and let’s not forget the ferrochrome fiasco threatening to turn Manhize into a steel dream deferred. Buckle up—it’s a wild ride through the land where sanity checks bounce faster than a ZiG coin on a trampoline.
Mthuli’s Tax Tweak: “Sorry, We Overcooked the Goose!”
Finance Minister Mthuli Ncube, Zimbabwe’s resident number-crunching wizard, has apparently stumbled upon a revelation: taxing people into oblivion might not be the golden goose he thought it was. After the 2025 budget hit businesses and consumers like a sledgehammer wrapped in red tape, the government’s now hinting at a tax revision—think South Africa’s “oh, just kidding” tax tweak, where increases went from a punch in the face to a gentle nudge. It’s an admission that high taxes don’t just shrink wallets; they shrink the formal economy, too.
Picture this: informal traders dodging taxes like they’re auditioning for The Matrix, while formal businesses collapse under levies heavier than a Kariba Dam turbine. The result? An economy so shock-prone it jumps at its own shadow, with currency stability wobbling like a drunk tightrope walker. Mthuli’s rethink is less a policy pivot and more a sheepish “my bad” scribbled on a napkin. Hilarious, if it weren’t your paycheck on the line.
Blessed Geza: The Coup-Tease Who Forgot His Script
Enter Blessed Geza, war vet turned revolutionary poster boy, back from the shadows with a megaphone and a dream of toppling Emmerson Mnangagwa by March 31st. Dressed in army regalia, he’s calling for an uprising, warning police chief Mutamba to keep his handcuffs holstered. Bold? Sure. Prepared? Eh, not so much. Geza’s less a coup mastermind and more a guy who binge-watched V for Vendetta and thought, “I could do that!”
His fiery rants about corruption and succession expose Zanu-PF’s top-tier squabbles—think Game of Thrones, but with worse haircuts and more potholes. Does he have the muscle to pull it off? Doubtful. But he’s got the popcorn popping as we watch the party’s factions duke it out over who gets the throne—or at least the keys to the presidential Maybach and a dozen Ford Raptors.
Blessing Mhlanga: The Pen Is Mightier (Until It Lands You in Jail)
Meanwhile, journalist Blessing Mhlanga’s incarceration for daring to scribble truth bombs has Geza and others crying foul. It’s a classic Zimbabwean tale: speak up, get locked up, repeat. Mhlanga’s cellblock saga is a grim punchline in a country where freedom of the press is about as real as a unicorn-powered generator. The irony? His jailing might just fuel Geza’s uprising chatter. Nothing says “revolution” like a martyr with a byline.
Mutsvangwa’s Mouth: When Your Phone Betrays You
Zanu-PF loudmouth Chris Mutsvangwa’s leaked phone call is the gift that keeps on giving. Caught trash-talking Vice President Chiwenga—calling him dull, cruel, and a linguistic trainwreck—Mutsvangwa’s loose lips have sparked a showdown. Picture Chiwenga glaring across a politburo table, muttering, “Et tu, Chris?” It’s a delicious mess, proving that in Zimbabwe’s political circus, the clowns don’t just juggle, they stab each other in the back, too. Succession drama? Check. Party unity? More like a punchline.
SA vs. US: Diplomatic Divorce, Zimbabwe-Style Flashbacks
South Africa’s ambassador got the boot from the US this week, escalating a diplomatic row that’s got everyone picking sides. The Yanks are flexing, but SA’s playing it cool—measured, mature, and oh-so-not-Zimbabwe circa Mugabe shouting, “Keep your England, Tony Blair!” Back then, it was defiance with a side of economic meltdown. SA’s dodging that script, proving it’s the junior partner with a spine. Still, the irony’s thick: Zimbabwe’s old rebel playbook is now a cautionary tale for its neighbor.
DRC-Rwanda Talks: Peace or Prelude to Pandemonium?
Over in Doha, DRC and Rwanda are “dialoguing” after months of trading bullets instead of pleasantries. Stability in the DRC—Africa’s resource-rich giant—could lift the region, but these talks feel like two boxers shaking hands before round 12. Escalation’s on the horizon, and if DRC’s economy rebounds, Zimbabwe might find itself overshadowed by a neighbor with more minerals than excuses. For now, it’s a satirical standoff: peace talks as foreplay to chaos.
Ferrochrome Flop: Manhize’s Steel Dreams on Life Support
Back home, a top ferrochrome producer’s under curatorship, threatening Zimbabwe’s grand plan to dominate steel via Manhize. Ferrochrome’s the secret sauce for steel, but with companies dropping like flies—curatorship’s the new black—our economic ambitions are rusting faster than a forgotten tractor. It’s not just bad luck; it’s an unstable economy choking on its own fumes. Manhize could be a game-changer, but if the foundation’s crumbling, it’s just another noble idea headed for the scrap heap. Laughable, until you realize it’s your jobs at stake.
The Bottom Line
Zimbabwe’s a circus where the ringmaster’s lost the whip, the clowns are plotting a coup, and the audience is too broke to buy popcorn. Mthuli’s tax retreat is a rare giggle in a grim script, Geza’s uprising is a comedy of errors, and the DRC-Rwanda talks might just be the warm-up act for a regional brawl. Add Mutsvangwa’s blabber, Mhlanga’s jail stint, and a ferrochrome flop, and you’ve got a satire so rich it’s practically edible. Until next week, keep your wallets close and your sense of humor closer, this show’s not over yet!
Made in Zimbabwe – By Chief Mischief Maker
-Equity Axis News
