• Zimbabwe’s potholes: where tourists lose tires, sanity, and hope for Victoria Falls’ misty majesty.
  • ZiG currency: Reserve Bank’s Monopoly money—worth less than a kombi ticket and falling fast.
  • South Africa’s tax hike: because why fix your economy when you can just tax Zimbabwe harder?

A Satirical Saunter Through Zimbabwe’s Shambles
Welcome dear readers, to the first episode of Mad Money Muse, where we laugh so we don’t cry, and muse over the chaos so we don’t lose our minds. This week, we’ve got potholes deeper than government promises, IOUs shinier than a politician’s smile, a Harare circus that’d make clowns blush, and a South African tax hike that’ll hit our wallets harder than a Mushika-shika fare increase. Buckle up—it’s a bumpy ride, mostly because the roads are rubbish.

The Bulawayo-Vic Falls Road: A Highway to Hell, Tourism Be Damned
Picture this: a tourist, fresh off a flight from London, dreaming of Victoria Falls’ misty majesty, hops into a rental car and hits the Bulawayo-Victoria Falls road. Two hours later, they’re not marveling at the Falls—they’re stuck in a pothole the size of Lake Kariba, wondering if their suspension or their sanity will give out first. This 440-kilometer stretch, once a lifeline for Zimbabwe’s tourism crown jewel, is now a crumbling testament to neglect. Potholes so wide you could host a braai in them, dust clouds thicker than a ZANU-PF rally, and a surface so rough it’s practically a free exfoliation treatment.

Tourism’s taking a beating—hotel occupancy in Victoria Falls hit 60% in Q1 2024 (ZTA Report), but insiders whisper bookings are softening as word spreads about the road. “Why fly 8,000 miles to lose a tire?” some mused on social media. The government, ever the knight in tarnished armor, inked a “shady” deal with a contractor—let’s call them Pothole Plunderers Inc. (Bitumen)—to fix it. Rumor has it the contract’s worth millions (in ZiG, USD, or cattle, who knows?), yet the only visible progress is a shiny new billboard promising “World-Class Roads Soon.” Soon, in Zimbabwean time, means 2030, when President Mnangagwa’s vision turns us into Dubai, right?

Meanwhile, the rest of Zim’s roads and infrastructure are a museum of decay—bridges creaking like a pensioner’s knees, railways rusting faster than a politician’s integrity. If tourism’s our golden goose, we’re starving it on a diet of gravel and excuses.

Liquidity Squeeze: IOUs, Devaluation Deja Vu, and a Currency Comedy
Over in Harare, the Reserve Bank’s playing Monopoly with our money—except instead of hotels, they’re building IOUs. The latest trick? Issuing non-negotiable, non-interest-accruing securities to mop up excess foreign currency and bank deposits. Translation: “Thanks for your USD, here’s a fancy piece of paper that’s worth less than a kombi ticket.” It’s a liquidity squeeze so tight you’d think they’re training for the World Stinginess Championships.

Sustainable? Hardly. This is Zimbabwe’s economic history on repeat—2008 called, it wants its playbook back. Back then, we printed trillion-dollar notes you couldn’t buy a loaf with; now, we’re deferring the inevitable devaluation of the ZiG while pressure mounts like a pressure cooker at a family reunion. Banks are hoarding cash, businesses are bartering, and the black market’s laughing all the way to the bank—or the tuckshop. By mid-2025, expect the ZiG to slide faster than a vendor dodging council cops, and inflation to remind us why we’re world champs at price hikes.

Harare’s Chaos and Chamisa’s Fading Star: Voter Apathy Looms
Speaking of Harare, the city’s a masterclass in municipal mayhem. Potholes rival the Vic Falls road, water’s a rumor, and refuse collection’s so rare residents are naming their trash piles. The opposition, once our great hope, runs this mess—proof they can’t manage a city, let alone a country. Nelson Chamisa’s plotting a comeback, but the shine’s off his halo. His Citizens Coalition for Change (CCC) is a shadow of its 2023 self, splintered and squabbling, while ZANU-PF’s 2030 agenda—code for “Mnangagwa Forever”—marches on despite internal bickering over who gets the throne next.

My take? Voter apathy’s the real winner in the next election, whenever it stumbles along. Why queue for hours when the options are a ruling party that’s all promises and no tar, or an opposition that can’t keep Harare’s lights on? ZANU-PF might push their 2030 dream, but voters, fed up with the same old song, could reject it—if they bother showing up. Opposition’s municipal flops don’t exactly scream “vote for us,” either. It’s a draw where everyone loses.

South Africa’s Budget Blues: A 2% Tax Hike Hits Zim Where It Hurts
Finally, let’s hop the border to South Africa, where Finance Minister Enoch Godongwana’s gearing up for the March 19 budget. Word’s out they’re eyeing a 2% tax hike—VAT, income tax, who knows?—to plug a fiscal hole deeper than our potholes. Why not grow the economy instead, you ask? Because Pretoria’s thrown in the towel on transformation and recovery, opting for the lazy man’s fix: squeeze the taxpayer, not the system, straight out of Mthuli Ncube’s book. Economic cake? Nah, they’d rather slice ours thinner.

For Zimbabweans, who import everything from soap to spanners from SA, this is a gut punch. That 2% ripples through—expect a 5-10% jump in prices for SA goods by June according to estimates. With 70% of our retail shelves stocked from south of the Limpopo, consumers here will feel it: higher grocery bills, pricier spares for that car you’re nursing down the Vic Falls road. Mnangagwa might call us “upper middle income” by 2030, but SA’s tax grab ensures we’ll be broke getting there.

Parting Shot
So here we are, folks—roads crumbling, money vanishing, politics stinking worse than Harare’s sewers, and SA taxing us into next week. It’s enough to make you laugh, if only to keep the tears at bay. Until next time, keep dodging potholes and dreaming of a ZiG that buys more than a chuckle.

Made in Zimbabwe – By Chief Mischief Maker

-Equity Axis News